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  1. #1
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    My meth addiction story: To hell and back

    My name is Jessica. I've been reading this forum for a couple months now. Yesterday, I decided it's time to join and say my piece. This is my story. It's true.

    Iím writing this on the front porch as I watch my 2-year-old play in the sprinklers with my lab pup. Sounds like a typical thing to do, a young mom watching her kid. But Iíve got a secret and I want to share it with you.

    I actually have 3 kids. Donít know where they are, but I think of them every day. They were taken away by CPS. Guess they didnít think a mom addicted to meth would be safe around her kids.

    They were right.

    I donít use meth anymore, but itís still a reminder of the 12 years it took from me. They say meth creates this artificial rush of dopamine, a natural substance produced by the body, far beyond anything the body is meant to produce on its own. They also say that only about 5 percent to 6 percent of meth users ever get off the drug and stay off for good. So I guess Iím one of the lucky ones.

    Iíve been clean for almost 4 years. Iím enrolled in school, and at 28, one of the oldest in the class, and I have a steady job. It doesnít pay much, but Iím working on it. My baby doesnít know anything about my story, but he will when heís older. The other two werenít so lucky.

    My parents are both dead; I know I contributed to their early death. Itís hard watching your daughter go through 12 long years with an addiction that controls her life Ė and nearly takes it.

    Ever since I was 12 years old, it went from having trouble in school, to being in and out of jail, and probation. My parents didnít notice until they started seeing physical changes, but by then, it was too late.

    The families of the drug users get hurt a lot more than people think. I never even cared about that until I got sober, how much pain I put them through. All the not coming home and not knowing where your child is ó they were very concerned and wanted to help. They just didnít know how.

    At 12, I became friends with an older group that used hard drugs. The people that accepted me were the people that did drugs. I felt like I was part of something. My parents were happy because I had a friend. They didnít think anything about it. They never knew nothing about drugs. Nobody expects their child to be on drugs.

    My best friend was 2 years older. Weíd go around with guys who were 18 or 20, and thought we were really cool. When you were not high it was like 20 times harder. Thatís why youíd go and get high again ó because you didnít want to feel all the sorrow and all the pain and all the regret and everything you were feeling from being sober.

    My parents thought moving away from those people would help me stay off the drugs and thatís when I was introduced to crank. I went from being shy and quiet to not caring what anyone thought of me.

    I could say anything I wanted. I could pretend to be anybody I wanted on drugs. The drug gave me confidence, but left me emotionless. Nothing else mattered, not my family, not my school, anything.

    At first, people gave me meth for free, especially the older guys. The I had to start selling the drug to support my habit. Thatís when I met Jason, the father of my first kid. He was 6 years older and a dealer.

    I moved back home when I found out I was pregnant. My parents helped out a lot. I even gave up drugs while I was pregnant. My daughter ended up being adopted; I donít know where she is. I write letters and keep them in a shoebox; I hope I can give them to her someday. I hope that she sees me now ó the way I am now. Iím glad she doesnít remember me back then. Maybe I can explain to her a little about why I did what I did.

    They took her away because I couldnít take care of her. My parents took me to drug counselors and outreach centers, but since I didnít want to be there, Iíd usually leave right away. I ended up pregnant again, but didnít stop taking drugs. My mom wanted me to get an abortion.

    Trystan tested positive for methamphetamine, and my parents were given custody. The court order was that I wasnít supposed to pay any unannounced visits, but I did one day. My mom called the police and I was picked up. Then the court decided to put him in another home because my parents wouldnít be able to keep me away. Thatís the last time I saw my son. I know that really killed my mom.

    I entered family drug court, hoping to get sober and regaining custody of my son. Family drug court backed me up 100 percent, and they helped me get sober. When you know the judgeís name and stuff, youíve been in there way too many times.

    I got pregnant again. This time, I got serious. I got sober. I wanted to do whatís best for my baby. I attribute my sobriety to being structured and having goals.

    Before getting sober, I figured Iíd use drugs and sell meth until I died. Now I have goals. Iím working, I have a child and Iím in school. Although I donít make that much money in her job at the local hardware store, I intend to graduate from college so I can provide for my son financially.

    Christopher is the driving factor behind every decision I make, from school to work to cleaning the house. Itís great to be a mom. Itís great to actually be able to take care of him and watch him grow every day.

    I donít fear relapse because I have a large support group of close family and friends. Whenever I need them, they speak with me and it makes me feel better. Although Iím now clean, I fully understand that just because I havenít relapsed doesnít mean I never could. I honestly donít think I could have done it without the help of the court. I should have been dead. And Iím here and I have a beautiful baby boy.Ē

    The program that helped me has now closed its doors because not enough people entered the program. People opted to go to prison rather than overcome their drug addictions with the help of specialists.

    Addiction is a disease. Recovery is always a work in progress. Like a lot of addicts, I often have dreams in which Iím chasing the drugs I no longer use.

    I donít have many triggers that make me want to use drugs again. However, certain smells or the chinking sound of glass sometimes remind me of the past. Seeing old friends also reminds me. I know those same friends probably call me snooty now because I refuse to associate with people I once used drugs with. Itís a lot of work, getting clean and staying that way. Itís a lot of self-searching and figuring out why you used Ö You really have to evaluate everything about yourself and your habits and your behaviors.

    A bunch of people can tell you what youíre doing is wrong, but unless you see it for yourself, youíre never gonna change it. Meth makes you feel emotionless so you donít recognize all these feelings that you suppress. Itís a lot of work to be completely clean and youíre never completely recovered.


    JESSICA

  2. #2
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    Lansing, MIchigan
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    You're a TOUGH LADY, JESSICA!

    Great story. Thanks for sharing.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
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    Tx
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    Great story, Jessica.

    I have a question. Do you blame your mom for losing your baby to cps? Did you blame her then? How long did it take you to forgive her?

  4. #4
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    Very inspiring, Jessica!

    By the way, great of you to join us! We love having you here.

  5. #5
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    May 2016
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    Lansing, MIchigan
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    Someday I'll write my own story. Right now, i'm having trouble just staying clean. With my family problems going on, and just trying to survive being out of rehab - it takes all my strength.

    A buddy of mine was in the news a couple days ago. They found him dead with a gunshot wound and heroin in his system.

  6. #6
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    A Warm Welcome to Jessica7121!

    Jessica, we are thrilled to have you here! Welcome, welcome! Your story is quite an eye-opener. You wrote with such emotion and realism, that it gave the sensation of living it through your eyes. What a great storyteller you are! I'm sure your intention wasn't to simply "tell a story" but to tell YOUR story with a message to influence.

    Thank you, thank you for taking the time out - as a busy mom of a 2-year-old, no less - to share your heartfelt story.

    You are an inspiration to those who hear the story of your plight, but truly give meaning and hope for those in the throes of fighting addictions.

    Please consider doing more with your writing. Perhaps you'll have the next bestseller book for young teens - or their parents.

    Again, thanks for posting. I'll be looking forward to reading more from you.

    ~4tRACY
    Welcome. Please know this is a safe place. Feel free to share.

    ~4tRACY520

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasikaadam View Post
    Someday I'll write my own story. Right now, i'm having trouble just staying clean. With my family problems going on, and just trying to survive being out of rehab - it takes all my strength.

    A buddy of mine was in the news a couple days ago. They found him dead with a gunshot wound and heroin in his system.

    I'm sorry to hear of your friend, jaskiaadam.

    You should write your story!

    And remember... "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" - Friedrich Nietzche


    ~4tRACY
    Welcome. Please know this is a safe place. Feel free to share.

    ~4tRACY520

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasikaadam View Post
    Someday I'll write my own story. Right now, i'm having trouble just staying clean. With my family problems going on, and just trying to survive being out of rehab - it takes all my strength.

    A buddy of mine was in the news a couple days ago. They found him dead with a gunshot wound and heroin in his system.
    I'd love to read it.

    Also, sorry about your friend.

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